


no rhyme or reason

by hedgebitch



Category: Batman (Movies 1989-1997)
Genre: Gen, Green Lantern Barbara Wilson, Languages and Linguistics, Movie: Batman & Robin (1997), author knows nothing about green lanterns and a lot about translation and it shows
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-29
Updated: 2020-12-29
Packaged: 2021-03-11 00:27:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28416093
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hedgebitch/pseuds/hedgebitch
Summary: Babs is a product of her generation, and she’s determined to stick it to the man. Even if that man is dressed in green and bearing intergalactic summons.
Comments: 10
Kudos: 11





	no rhyme or reason

**Author's Note:**

> written for the prompt: “Barbara Wilson as a lantern (any colour)” from @[miggie-webster](https://miggie-webster.tumblr.com) on tumblr.

“But… why does it rhyme?”

Dick pinches the bridge of his nose in exasperation. 

“A glowing ring fell out of the sky and gave you powers, and you wanna know why the magic words rhymed?”

“It doesn’t make sense!” Babs insists. “Look, there are, like, rules to stuff like this. Trust me, I’ve studied them.”

“Right, and I’m such an idiot that I couldn’t possibly—”

“Hey, let’s everyone chill out a second,” Bruce says like some almighty saint, like he’s not usually one of the ones bickering. “What’s going on?”

“Babs just got drafted into the space peace corps,” Dick says, which. Way to steal her thunder, dude. 

“Elaborate,” Bruce says. He’s not asking. 

“Love to,” Babs says just as if he were. “Dude in green showed up, totally buggin, told me to chant some magic words, handed over some glowing bling, and peaced out to the next side of the galaxy. Now that you’re caught up—”

“Nope,” Bruce says cheerfully. “Take me back through that one more time.”

Dick helpfully supplies the chant the—soldier?—had instructed her to repeat. 

“In brightest day, in blackest night, no evil shall escape my sight. Let those who worship evil’s might beware my power, green lantern’s light. A little elementary, but otherwise pretty catchy.”

“And, what, you’re some kind of deputized power ranger now? Is that legally binding?” is Bruce’s first question. 

“I’m standing right here,” says the guy dressed in green, who is in fact still standing in the cave. 

Bruce does a double take—“I genuinely thought that was the cardboard cutout of the Riddler from the Hogan’s Alley,” he’ll confess to them later, over drunken noodles from the thai place that Babs likes and Dick’ll settle for. 

“Peaced out to the next side of the galaxy,” Bruce quotes back at Babs. 

“Hey, I didn’t ask him to come back.”

“Look, you’re a new initiate to the Lantern Corps,” Green Guy starts to say. “You have to come to Oa with me.”

“Look buddy, here on planet Earth, we’ve got a little thing called stranger danger,” Dick points out. 

“What do I look like to you, man, a martian?”

“Questionable fashion statements notwithstanding,” Babs allows. 

“Look who’s talking! What kind of sick fucks dress in matching anatomically correct spandex suits and hang out in a cave? Would you just come with me so we can get this over with?”

“What exactly is “this”?” Bruce asks, apparently left unsatisfied by Babs’ pretty great summary. 

Green Gollum looks like he’d rather be anywhere else in the galaxy than this particular cave in Gotham. 

“Bat-lady here has been drafted into the Green Lantern Corps. She needs to report to Oa for basic training and further assignments—I don’t care if she keeps the spandex on, but she’s reporting.”

“As if!” Babs retorts. “I’m not relinquishing my fundamental right to autonomy just because some lame-o rhyme says I have to accessorize.”

“No one should have the power to conscript unconsenting troops,” Bruce muses, which Babs takes as a sign of support. 

“You can’t not report,” the soldier tries again. “You said the oath—you’re a Green Lantern. You have to report.”

“I don’t think I do,” she tells him. “Who wrote that oath, anyways?”

“The—the guardians!” he says, in full disbelief. 

“Guardians of what?” Dick asks. 

“Of the universe!”

“Are they human, too?” Babs asks drily. 

“They’re—Oan, I think? What does any of this matter?”

“Well, as far as I can remember, I swore I’d wield power and vanquish evil,” Babs helpfully explains. “Nothing about enlistment. Do the guardians of the universe speak English?”

“Wha—no? I guess not?”

“Ooh, someone didn’t read his Venuti,” Babs mocks. 

“Sick burn,” Dick says. “Quick question for the folks at home—“

“Just because it doesn’t sound like a translation doesn’t mean it isn’t one,” Babs explains, for the Dicks at home. “Look, buddy, whoever or whatever did your oath translating must have missed a couple key phrases in all that effort to make the words nice and rhyme-y. I never swore any oath to any space army.”

“Lady, the rings do the translating on an individual basis, they literally cannot be wrong.”

“Okay, well go on ahead and tell your superiors I’m a conscientious objector until you can come back with some linguistic consistency, because that’s a load if I’ve ever heard one.”

“I—“ the Lantern starts to protest, and gives in, a broken man. “Okay.”

“Universal translators,” Babs scoffs once he’s disappeared to where-the-hell-ever. “That’s nuts. Can you guys believe the guardians of the universe are relying on machine translation?”

“Did he imply that Martians exist?” Dick says in lieu of response. 

“Okay,” Bruce says. “I have many pressing questions about the events that just took place. Most pressing first—Barbara, what is that, and why is it getting brighter?”

“Oh shit,” Babs says when she notes that the lantern-battery-pack-thingy has in fact started glowing. 

“I think we’re about to find out how space aliens feel towards conscientious objectors,” Dick says, and then Babs finds herself in fucking space, where at least she no longer has to hear Dick’s dumb running commentary. 

**Author's Note:**

> im not even sorry. yell at me for writing weird shit on tumblr @[barbarawilson](https://barbarawilson.tumblr.com)


End file.
